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Category Archives: rant

Driving Miss Muggins

14 Sunday Oct 2012

Posted by iamgaryallen in about me, family, rant

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airport, cab, drive, mom, mother, muggins, mum, ryan, taxi

The other night my mother was returning from a trip to Calgary and was arriving at the airport here in McMurray at approximately 6:30pm.

Aside: I would never refer to my mother as “mother” when I speak. Not even “Mom.” She is either Mum or Muggins. She gained the nickname Muggins in my childhood from repeated attempts at teaching me and my brother how to tidy up after ourselves. Nary a day would go by without the catchphrase “Who ends up doing it?!? MUGGINS HERE!” being yelled in our direction. Needless to say it stuck. End aside.

Anyway, back to last Tuesday when Muggins needed a ride from the airport. Obviously, this is not a big deal. Above all else the woman gave birth to me but further to the point an airport run is really not a big deal so I said I would pick Mum up at the assigned time and thought nothing further of it.

Until Tuesday morning when I received the first of SIX text messages letting me know that if I was busy she could always get a cab. Two things:
1. My mother HATES taking cabs. She literally goes on and on about her dislike for cabs whenever she gets one and has even more bile for them here in McMurray than ever before.
2. Further to point 1 her offer to “take a cab” sounded not unlike the classic mom ploy of playing the martyr.

My friend Ryan once told me a joke that went as follows:
How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Old lady voice: “It’s okay, I’ll just sit in the dark…”

This joke captures the exact tone I was imagining while reading Muggins’ first text. It only got worse 5 messages in when I literally had no choice but to turn it around on her with “if you don’t want to see me that’s fine.”

Thankfully flipping the tables worked a charm and we had a delightful drive from the airport. One wonders why exchanges like this have to be so difficult. I suppose it’s a small price to pay with such an otherwise wonderful mother but a price is indeed paid. With my sanity.

As a totally random sidenote the above picture is my Mum doing her “Beyonce pose.” Obviously one of the myriad reasons she is amazing.

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Self-Checkouts: Speedy Tool or Blight of Humanity?

26 Sunday Aug 2012

Posted by iamgaryallen in family, rant, shopping, society, technology

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checkout, cucumber, grocery store, mum, pet peeve, safeway, self-checkout, sobeys, store

I know this may be hard to believe but I have managed to find something else that annoys me about other people. Actually, more than one thing but they all relate to self-checkouts that have seemingly popped up at every store across the land in the last five years.

My first, and most major, peeve with these technical wonders is that they are not restricted to a certain number of items at many stores. Surely the point of the whole device is to speed up the checkout procedure but if Fanny FullCart pulls up with her 147 items she is surely only slowing the thing down, especially as she has to look up the 24 different types of onions she has.

I would say the blame for this problem should be evenly split between the stores and the individuals who try to self-scan a cart full of groceries. I mean obviously the stores should have signs up with a clear item limit posted – and to be fair some do – but Fanny is still a bit of an asshole for choosing the self-checkout anyway. There’s no way it will speed up her grocery store experience and the volume of other customers with nary a few cucumbers and meals-for-one between them should be a good indicator to queue elsewhere. Stupid Fanny.

This actually leads me into my second problem with self-checkouts which is also related to the stores’ often laissez-faire attitude to their operation: the lack of designated queuing areas. Forcing people to fend for themselves and form an orderly line might seem like a simple ask but it fails to take into account that people are assholes who will do anything to get slightly ahead of their fellow man. Some stores have the areas set up with a clear lane for waiting but other stores – like the bastard Sobey’s by my home – actually makes things miles worse by putting something in the middle of what should be the waiting area. THIS ONLY SPLITS THE QUEUE CONFUSING THE SITUATION FAR MORE THAN IS NECESSARY.

We all know how it goes. One person is waiting so you get behind them and then someone else goes to other side as if that entitles them to go before you. AND STORES ARE ENTITLING THESE ASSHOLES WITH CONFUSING WAITING AREAS! GET IN THE LINE YOU SUBHUMAN TITSNATCH.

Finally, if you have no idea how the machine operates, wait until a day when there is nobody waiting to take your first stab at it. I was at Safeway the other day and I saw a man waving a cucumber in front of the machine for a good five minutes; as if the machine would magically scan a non-existent bar code, extract the money from his wallet and whip up a delightful tzatziki if he just kept swiping at it. If you need assistance of any kind you should probably just be using a regular checkout. End of.

Actually that reminds me of another time I was at a self-checkout with my mother in Calgary and when prompted to scan her Club Card she swiped her Costco card which borderline crashed the machine. Then while waiting in mild embarrassment for assistance I heard a loud “Oh Maria!” Turns out the attendant was well-versed in my mother’s ability to bring the self-checkout to it’s knees with accidental swipes of every card in her wallet.

I suppose as a relatively new technology we as a society are still working out the kinks of the self-checkout system but at some point there will be a self-checkout reckoning and I for one look forward to it.

Just standing there is not helpful.

09 Monday May 2011

Posted by iamgaryallen in about me, rant, society

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

crosswalk, get outta my way, i'm walkin here, kylie minogue, lighted intersection, pacific and davie, pet peeve, push the button

Shocking news friends.

I have a new pet peeve.

It may be hard to believe that I can find something else about other people that annoys me but I have indeed found just such a thing in people who stand close to crosswalk buttons to wait for the light to change when they haven’t actually pressed the button.

I am going to lay some groundwork here to illustrate why this is so annoying.

As a general rule I would say that should you find yourself at a crosswalk with visible buttons it is always the best policy to push the button. Now I know that not all crosswalks require you to press the button at all times of the day but I would argue that should a button be present it is probably just a best practice to be pressing said button in case it is, in fact, a requirement to cross.

Furthermore, if you are choosing to live life literally at the dizzying edge and not press the button you should at least stand well clear of the button vicinity making it clear to people approaching the crosswalk that you most definitely have not pressed the button, thank you very much. Standing close to the button having not pressed it sends a very clear signal that you choose to not only play Russian roulette with your own time, but mine also.

This is of particular annoyance to me because the crosswalk at Pacific and Davie – on my route to work – only changes when someone presses the button and otherwise the light is hideously short and provides an allotment of time so minuscule as to barely have me halfway across the street before changing.

Why would someone stand by the button without having pressed it?

The only answer a reasonable person (myself) could come up with is that such a person is obviously a bastard. End of.

It’s just so awkward to reach around people and try and press the button. It really violates the personal space boundaries one expects in pubic. And the rub is that you don’t know until the light hasn’t changed whether or not the person standing precipitously close to the button is a functioning member of society or a complete and utter bastard.

I am starting to understand New York style public rudeness and may soon adopt “I’m walkin here!” as my own personal mantra as I mow people down to press the button.

That or Get Outta My Way (obviously including hand gestures, see below).

THE ROYAL WEDDING IS NOT NEWS

01 Sunday May 2011

Posted by iamgaryallen in celebrity, fashion, politics, rant

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

2011, abolishionist, Beatrice, britain, elizabeth, england, entertainment news, Eugenie, kate, kate middleton, monarchy, news, Peter Mansbridge, queen, revolution, royal wedding, side eye, tourism, william

As you are no doubt aware – thanks to the inescapable media coverage – the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton took place on Friday. There are myriad reasons this annoys me.

First and foremost I am an abolitionist but because I’m English people keep asking me if I’m excited about the nuptials. I AM NOT. They are a complete waste of money for a ridiculous show of pomp and circumstance at the expense of hard-working Britons. The royal family are nothing more than parasites that live an absurd lifestyle, sucking wealth from the British public and providing no real service. I always hear these arguments that the royal family are good for tourism. Fuck that. People still go to bloody France in droves and they wised up about the monarchy yonks ago. Also, I’m sure tourists would pay a pretty penny to wander round Buckingham Palace if we ousted Liz and her ilk from their gilded perch.

Back to the media coverage though, how is this news? At the very most it’s entertainment news and should be covered as such. It’s like the whole world is crazy and every major newscaster is fangirling it along the parade route. WTF? I bet if they asked Peter Mansbridge to cover the Oscars he’d slap a bitch and he high-tailed it over to England to catch a glimpse of the exquisite Beatrice and Eugenie walk the red carpet like his life depended on.

Quick sidenote on these two. One looks like she dressed as her mother and the other one looks like she stuffed her hat into an overcrowded cupboard only to take it out on the day and not have time to find a replacement. Ridiculous.

Yes, Kate’s dress was lovely and I love a red carpet, it’s just the idea that these ridiculous human beings are sponging off the public and we’re celebrating it. Not only celebrating it but treating it as if it’s serious news. IT IS NOT. What’s the strangest of all to me is that events like these only seem to endear the royals to the public whereas I’m quite the opposite. Outlandish weddings only serve to remind me what a ridiculous institution the monarchy is and why it’s time to give the Windsors – and their various hangers on – the heave-ho.

On the semantic difficulties of defining a cult

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by iamgaryallen in rant, religion

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atheism, atheist, canada, catholic, church, cult, definition, deity, god, islam, jihad, pope, religion, school, scientology, semantics, suicide bomber, theism

I was watching a programme the other day about the wacky world of Scientology and it’s general level of sheer fuckedupness when I remembered the rocky road said religion took in its quest to be recognized as a religion. I remember specifically seeing a programme – probably 20/20 as I used to fucking LOVE 20/20 circa Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters – about how a Scientologist group had bought the American Cult Helpline so that when people called in worried about friends and family being brainwashed by L. Ron Hubbard they would calmly be told that Scientology was not, in fact, a cult but rather a full-fledged religion.

I also vividly remember how important it was in my Catholic school religion classes to define cults as scary and evil and not to be trusted. It seems to me now – as an adult atheist – that such a grand effort was made in this area because religious people are inherently more likely to fall into a “cult;” religious people being far more likely to blindly believe unsupported dogma uttered by someone believed to be closer to an imagined deity.

That aside, watching the above mentioned programme I found myself trying to figure out what my own self-definition for the word cult was. Before looking on wikipedia at the mess of explanations there I came up with the following:

A religious practice considered strange by a significant proportion of the general population; particularly one that sees its adherents come to harm at the hands of its teachings.

Further thought, however, got me thinking that this definition was somehow deficient. Wikipedia’s main reference finds the word cult described as ” …a pejorative reference to a group whose beliefs or practices are considered strange.” This matches up rather well with my definition but I couldn’t help but think our definition of cult is simply as a “baby religion” in that all new religion’s are inherently strange to non-believers and will therefore almost always be described pejoratively.

Taking the existence of God out of the picture, cults are then inherently no worse than religions on a very base level. If however I examine my second point that cults usually do harm to their adherents I also find myself running quickly into issues. While suicide cults and their ilk do see small groups of people literally taking their own lives for the “greater good” how many thousands – or millions – of people will die as a result of the Catholic Church’s teachings on condom use in Africa? If people are being taught that using condoms is ineffectual in the spread of HIV/AIDS by their religious leaders this is significant harm at the teachings of their religion. And what of Islamic jihadists?

My definition, and wikipedia’s, fail to recognize a difference between a new religion and a cult so is a cult just a religion that hasn’t gained enough traction or political support to become a religion?

My answer is yes.

Both cults and religions are essentially unfounded in reality and neither deserve our respect but if we are going to allow religions some special place in our society then we shouldn’t automatically baulk when the word cult arises. And we shouldn’t allow religions to subjugate cults, rather we should work to remove religious influences in general from our public spheres.

In fact, atheists need to start getting organized because god knows – Ha! – that theists are and that organization is allowing them to sway political and social power with increasing might.

ATHEISTS UNITE!

Pet peeve du jour: EXTREME IMPATIENCE

08 Sunday Aug 2010

Posted by iamgaryallen in rant, society, work

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bitch, customer, decaf, grande, impatience, latte, pet peeve, service industry

Working in the service industry the good nature of the human race is often called into question. To be fair, in my job, the scales tip in the right direction more often than not but sometimes you are forced to deal with people that are probably besties with the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Paris Hilton.

My favourite line uttered by a customer today was “I’m kinda in a hurry.” Followed by that bitchy look.

In the interest of clarity I would like to point out here that I would never expect a customer to wait unduly for any product or service. I do everything in my power to ensure that everyone I serve on a daily basis is dealt with promptly and politely.

That being said, this bitch was just out of line, and not alone in her ridiculous expectation.

The scene: There is a moderate queue of about 5-7 patrons which said bitchy customer duly joins and upon reaching the counter she orders a grande non-fat, extra hot, no foam latte.

STRIKE ONE: Extra hot, no foam beverages implicitly take more time to handcraft as you have to wait for the milk to settle before pouring it.

STRIKE TWO: If you observe a line-up of 5-7 people you cannot magically expect that your beverage will be completed ahead of those requested by the polite and patient people with whom you are in competition for my barista-ing skills.

Anyway, no sooner had Patience paid for her beverage than she uttered those immortal words to me: “I’m kinda in a hurry.”

STRIKE THREE!

IF YOU’RE “KINDA IN A HURRY” WHY DID YOU STOP FOR A COFFEE? AND WHY DID YOU SUBSEQUENTLY WAIT IN LINE TO ORDER THAT COFFEE?

No. Not only are you an idiot, you’re also now getting a decaf latte.

Bitch, please.

Oh, you mean a rumless peach, pineapple, blueberry & tropical nectar mojito

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by iamgaryallen in family, food, rant, vocab

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

ad, annoyance, billboard, burrard, jugo juice, lohan, mint mojito, mojito, mum, recipe, smoothie

There’s this huge billboard on the Kitsilano side of the Burrard Street bridge and it currently displays – on a rotating basis – an ad for Jugo Juice’s new “Mint Mojito” smoothie.

This drives me crazy.

Quick sidenote, for some reason my Mum pronounces Jugo Juice “Jugga Juice.” At first I think she, for some reason, thought that was it’s name. Now, however, I think she just does it to annoy me. Not that Jugo Juice comes up a lot in conversation – I will not be sharing this particular annoyance with my mother – but when it does come up I can tell she relishes the chance to annoy me.

Back to the “Mint Mojito” though.

Do you know what comes in a mojito? [Hint: it’s listed above.]

Of all the things that usually come in a mojito, the only one of them actually included in this smoothie is the mint.

MINT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES IT A MOJITO SO MENTIONING IT IS REDUNDANT.

It’s like saying an orange mimosa, or bread toast, or a self-entitled Lohan.

To be fair, this drink is probably delicious, just incorrectly named. So incorrectly named that it drives me crazy every time I see it, which seems to be rather frequently these days.

DAMN YOU JUGGA JUICE!

Shut up you’re fabulous and other annoyances

19 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by iamgaryallen in movie, music, random, rant, vocab

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

annoying, commercial, Dr. Scholl's, fabulous, fetch, mean girls, pet peeve, pop, regina, slogan, stacy london, t-shirt, TLC, vocab, vocabulary, what not to wear

Rather than going for some terribly post-modern or impossibly clever conceit for today’s post I’ve gone back to basics with a list. The following things annoys me. It’s that simple.

1. Stacy London (see above).

I have long had a sort of dormant dislike for Stacy London that has bubbled below the surface of my – frankly packed – ocean of other annoyances. That all changed however with a new-ish TV commercial starring said “fashion consultant.” I’ve embedded it below. BE WARNED IT WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO PUNCH YOUR COMPUTER! (Blogfaced takes no responsibility for property damage of physical bodily harm inflicted due to watching this video)

To be fair, this did lead to me and Ryan screaming “SHUT UP! You’re fabulous!” at each other for almost an entire week while he was here but honestly, HOW ANNOYING IS THIS WOMAN! Ugh. I can’t stand this commercial and it creeps up on me when I’m least expecting it. Like I’ll just be settling in to a nice documentary and all of a sudden it’s SHUT UP! YOU’RE FABULOUS blaring out at me. This woman must be stopped.

2. Girls who wear T-Shirts with saying printed on them and then give you an annoyed stare when you look at their chests.

SERIOUSLY. If you have something printed across your boobs then my eyes are going to be drawn there. Get over it. Or don’t wear slogan tees. Your choice.

3. People who don’t take pop music seriously.

Being more specific, people who sort of glaze over and give you that patronising look that you can’t possibly understand “proper” music if you enjoy Kylie or Robyn or Girls Aloud or the Spice Girls. Honestly, if you can’t admit that the Spice Girls wrote some cracking songs – no matter what you thought of them as people – then I have no respect for your opinion musically. NONE.

4. That fetch never caught on.

How great was Mean Girls? I remember totally trying to make fetch happen but, to be fair, Regina was right. It never did.

Stop saying girlfriend, girlfriend!

15 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by iamgaryallen in random, rant, vocab

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

chauvanist, female, feminist, girlfriend, male, queer, second cup, sizes, starbucks, vocabulary, word

One thing that really annoys me is when people take words that already have a specific meaning and proceed to muddy that meaning. This is one reason I’ve always maintained that Starbucks sizes are far less annoying than Tim Horton’s or Second Cup. Yes, Starbucks uses non-sensical random words instead of existing sizes but it does not denigrate words that already exist for the sake of convenience a la Second Cup with their “Regular, Large, Extra Large” line-up that makes a mockery of the English language casting out poor Small which is crying in a corner like that Ikea lamp.

Anyway, one word that specifically drives me crazy is when females use “girlfriend” simply to mean friends of theirs who are women, not their lesbian loves. For example: “I went to see a movie last night with my girlfriend.”

First of all, there really isn’t much need for this distinction and should the need arise one could always say “my friend Molly” etc, rather than “my girlfriend.” There is also no male equivalent.

Secondly, should these women deem there to be a need for this distinction they should find a new word and NOT STEAL ONE THAT IS ALREADY FIRMLY ENTRENCHED IN OUR COLLECTIVE VOCABULARIES! Why the need to co-opt a word that already has a meaning? Doing so simply confuses things and creates a word only women can use.

Interestingly – or not? – “girlfriend” seems at once chauvinistic and kind of feminist in intent. By denoting that these friends are specifically female it sort of implies that using “friend” alone refers solely to men- in contrast with it’s definition – which seems rather like a step backward if you ask me. That being said it creates a word that only women can really use for other women – almost like a reclamation in the manner of queer, etc – except that, as I mentioned above, no one was misusing “friend” in the first place so it’s all really for naught.

What a waste of bloody time.

an observation

03 Wednesday Feb 2010

Posted by iamgaryallen in rant, society

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Tags

parasol, rain, umbrella, vancouver

So I’m at work thisafternoon and I was just glancing out the window a moment ago when I saw a women walking up the street neath an umbrella. This is not an unusual occurance in Vancouver except that IT’S NOT RAINING. Neither has it been raining. Nor is it about to rain. It’s not even super bright out or anything perchance necessitating a parasol. There was literally no reason I could fathom to be walking with an open umbrella on a day like today. It took every fibre of my being not to yell out the door “IT’S NOT RAINING!”

IT’S NOT RAINING!

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