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So I was chatting with my gays on Robson the other day and we were discussing how awful the word queef is.


You might find yourself pondering how three gentleman who are wont to recreate Girls Aloud’s dodgiest singalong in their front room would find themselves discussing such a matter. To be frank it is a bit odd in retrospect, but find ourselves discussing it we did and we quickly came to the conclusion that it is a needlessly embarrassing word for a bodily function that is as much a part of life as any other.

It really is just a gross, borderline onomatopoeic word that manages to make the act it describes ever more embarrassing by association. Never content to merely complain about a problem (HA!) we decided to help with a solution. And that solution is VART.

A portmanteau of the words vagina and fart – in case that wasn’t already incredibly obvious – vart is an attempt to normalize an oft-maligned, but frankly rather humorous, bodily function. I mean, nobody is going to try and pretend that a poorly timed vart might crush the mood but perhaps have a less disgusting and more humorous word for talking about it will make the whole think a lot less displeasurable? A sense of humour in the bedroom is as important as anywhere else, if not more so.

Farts are funny, so why not varts?

You’re welcome, ladies.