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On my previously mentioned trip to Seattle last November to see Robyn, my friend Jo-Ann and I also managed to soak up quite a lot of a Americana via informercials. I’ve already mentioned The Art of Living but we also caught up with “America’s Nutrition Leader” Zonya!

Zonya Foco has to be seen to be believed and I very much encourage you to visit her website zonya.com. I particularly enjoy pane six of her welcome page which proudly declares: “I auditioned for my OWN show with Oprah!” and directs you to click through to this video.

The hair! The tracksuits! The sass!

She’s so close to parody that when I first experienced the wonderment that is Zonya I assumed she was a faux-reality style character the type of which I’m so fond, but this “energizer health bunny” is all real friends and she’s on a mission to slim down the mid-west!

While Both Jo-Ann and I did enjoy Zonya’s healthy eating message, at that point in time we were both decked out in fluffy robes sprawled out on a hotel room floor amid a sea of empty PBR cans, a pizza moments from arriving at our door. Then it happened. The greatest single infomercial to ever grace the medium of television appeared before us.

We had discovered Kymaro Curve Control jeans.

I find it hard to put into words how much we laughed during the thirty minutes that followed but needless to say it made actually eating the – frankly delicious – pizza a challenge. Here is a clip of said infomercial that manages to capture but a fraction of the charm of its full-length counterpart.

Basically they’re selling these ugly Mom jeans as the ultimate solution to your Double Down fat ass. There’s a strange confluence of hideous rear end shots, over-excited women and outlandish statements – “Kymaro also hasn’t forgotten that you wear other clothes besides jeans” – that makes Kymaro a total gem on the informercial front, easily topping previous mantle holder The Magic Bullet and its cast of merry morning folk.

Land of the free, indeed.

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