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17.01: what the hell happened to nancy o’dell? she looks like beige exploded all over her.

17.02: at least 2/3 of the jonas brothers are gay.

17.04: rainn wilson: not that funny in real life.

17.05: miley cyrus. best original song. bitch, please! but she looks annoyingly good. finding it hard to hate her with the requisite amount of vitriol.

17.06: oh wait, there’s billy ray. bile is rising and all is normal in the world again.

17.07: who the fuck is tiki barber?

17.08: america ferrera, a little underwhelming. wait, just zoomed out and caught the bottom of the dress. IT’S FANTASTIC. still loving her.

17.10: aaron eckhart always looks the same. ALWAYS.

17.11: sean ‘diddy’ combs is a douche. also he has the same mouth as miley cyrus. like their teeth are too big for their mouths.

17.12: amanda seyfried. more beige. her eyes are also really far apart. seems really nice though.

17.13: is it wrong to find steve carrell with a beard hot?

17.14: they keep cutting to shots of kate winslet not really doing anything but looking amazing AS ALWAYS.

17.15: is eva mendes high? girlfriend also needs a better stylist but in fairness everyone looks good next to nancy o’dell.

17.21: blake lively’s dress looks like someone vomited jewels down their own chest.

17.22: rachel griffiths is looking a little crazy in gold. i love her.

17.23: sigourney weaver is hulking over nancy o’dell and beyonce who’s wearing quite a nice grey dress with good hair but a necklace that’s far too large. i don’t think sigourney weaver appreciated being asked about tina fey while being interviewed with beyonce. like she’s not interesting enough to warrant her own question. i wish beyonce would have come as sasha fierce.

17.27: maggie gyllenhaal. FIERCE. they’re asking everyone about heath ledger and the dark knight. starting to get a bit annoying. maggie’s ear rings are CRAZY. she’s friends with kate winslet. love it. people are yelling ‘miley’ in the background. very annoying.

17.28: vanessa hudgens has no personality and zac efron attempted a beard that is beyond anemic. i like how nancy o’dell had to state ‘you guys are a couple’ and asked them what they do to which zac efron replied ‘normal things.’

17.30: drew barrymore’s hair is out of control.

17.31: jeremy piven’s eyes are crazy bloodshot and mark wahlberg’s hair makes him look 80. i think mark wahlberg just mocked the piv’s ‘mercury poisoning.’

17.33: dustin hoffman’s wife looks about half his age.

17.34: colin farrell = sex on legs.

17.37: colin farrell is very smiley and chewing gum. he’s also sniffing a little. now he’s feeling his jaw. hmm… i still would.

17.38: amy poehler looks killer. i love tina fey but she’s looking a little 1980’s. why are they interviewing them with steven spielberg?

17.40: kate winslet finally in an interview. she looks FLAWLESS. i’m still not keen on leonardo dicaprio.

17.42: they just cut to a shot of j.lo posing by sticking her ass out and looking coquettishly over her shoulder at the assembled press phalanx. love the ridiculousness of hollywood.

17.45: tom cruise is always wearing the same suit now. he’s very skinny. and SO BORING.

17.47: nancy o’dell just congratulated sting on his nomination only to have him tell her that he’s only a presenter tonight. burn. kind of love trudy styler. some random security guy just wandered into the shot.

17.48: marissa tomei. i don’t know why but i always get her confused with rosie perez. marissa totally just wandered out of the interview to hug tom wilkinson. burn brooke burke.

17.49: they just froze the shot on eva mendes with her eyes closed for some reason.

17.53: pierce brosnan’s wife keely’s boobs are OUT OF CONTROL. they’re rushing everyone in now.

17.54: salma hayek looks fierce but there’s some trashy publicist in the background yanking up her dress over her boobs. all class.